Virtual Moxie - The Cure For The Common Virtual Assistance Practice

How to appropriately and graciously say "no."

Last week, I wrote about at what point it’s appropriate to say yes, when someone wants your time and attention.

Danielle asked if I had a gracious way for delivering a “no” response, and I promised to write about that this week.

First, I want to say that saying no to what doesn’t fit for you is one of the absolute best ways to give yourself time, space, and energy for whatever matters more/most (the art of saying "no" to make it possible to say "yes"). There’s nothing quite like being so clear on what’s good and right for you that it’s easy to say no to everything else.

Saying no is also an incredibly respectful and gracious thing to do, because if you know whatever you're being asked is not in your best interest, it also can’t be I the other’s best interest, and saying no helps give that person time, space, and energy for whatever would be better for her, too (it's not your job to help someone with that—but indeed, a by-product of the act!).

Saying yes to what you don’t want to say yes to may make the moment of the question easier, but ultimately, it’ll cost you—sometimes dearly.

We often don’t say no because we want to please others or see them happy. Or we don't want to seem to be too big for our britches. Or we're worried about not being a team player. Or we don’t do it because we don’t believe there’s a kind or gracious way to do it (we're concerned about another's feelings). Or we don't want to create a moment of awkwardness. Or we're scared of repercussions.

All of that is focused on the other person--can you see that?. It puts all the power in that person's realm, and removes all personal power from your own. As I've said many times, it's not right when someone else treats you badly, and downright heinous when you do it to yourself. You have to matter most. Truly. So say yes to the things you want to, and no to the things you don't.

Simple!

Having said that, there are as many circumstances in which you might want to say no as there are grains of sand on the beach, and therefore, as many possible ways to say it. Like so many other things, I wish I had a magic pill I could give you that would work in every situation, but I don’t.

But I'll tell a story of a time when I said no when I had literally nothing to go on but intuition.

Back in the mid 90s, I was a Community Leader for AOL, working in the Academic Assistance Center. I had several volunteers who helped edit and build a database we were going to use. One of them was going to be driving through my town and asked me to lunch. I jumped at the chance to meet him; although we weren't close, I thought it would be great to put a face to a name.

I got to the restaurant at the appointed time, and saw him already seated. I joined him, and ordered a soda. As soon as I sat down, my intuition started screaming at me to leave. And I fought it. I mean, he'd always been nice to me online, he seemed/looked like a perfectly fine fellow, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why my intuition--or wise self--was kicking up such a ruckus.

But before the server returned with my drink, I'd stood up, put $5 on the table, said to him, "Look, this won't make any sense at all, but I just know I'm not supposed to be here with you. So I'm going to leave now. Thanks for stopping--I hope the rest of your trip is easy," and turned and left the restaurant.

To this day, I have no idea what that was about. But I got a message, and I listened to it.

Back at home, there was email from a coach who wanted to talk with me about working together. I was able to make that happen that afternoon, and by the end of the day was sending her my Intake Packet.

Would that still have happened if I'd stayed for lunch? Maybe. All I know is that, for several reasons, I'm glad I didn't stay.

Tips for Saying No

1. Remember, you’re not responsible for how the other person takes that in when you say no—all you’re responsible for is the delivery. And I think the best way to deliver any message that runs contrary to what the other wants to hear is with extreme kindness.

2. You can never go wrong by telling the truth.

3. You don’t owe most of the world any explanation (that's this week's Bit O’Moxie). You absolutely owe no one you don't know, or those you only no casually, any explanation. It’s absolutely ok, honorable and respectful to say, “No, thank you” and nothing more.

4. Understand the distinction between “can’t” and “won’t” so you use the one you really mean.

If you’re going to be truthful, be sure that “I can’t” is used only when you are actually unable to do what’s being asked of you. “I can’t have coffee and discuss that new project,” is a lie if what you really mean is that you’re not interested. You can do it—you’re just choosing not to (you “won’t.).

Examples of Gracious Language

1. For the person you meet at a networking event who wants to schedule time to talk further about working with you, but where you know you’re not interested:

“Thank you for your interest, Sue. Given what you’ve shared, I’m not the right VA for you. A great place to get amazing referrals to VAs is _________.”

That language, by the way (“Given what you’ve shared, I’m not the right VA for you”) is something you might want in your language tool kit. It’s an awesome way to get out of just about anything with a prospective client, and even end a relationship with a current client.

2. For the person who invites you to join a networking group you’re not interested in:

“No, thank you.”

This also works for invited to coffee, invites to connect after a conference, invites to do, well, just about anything.

3. For the client who wants you to do something you don’t do and don’t care to do (or maybe don’t care to learn to do):

“I don’t do that, Jane. But I’ve worked with Bill and Peter, and they do it fabulously. How about if I talk with them to see if they might be available to do it for you?”

4. For the friend who calls, mid-day, and invites you out to play when you have work to do:

“No thank you, Sue. Ask me again sometime on a weekend!”

That second sentence isn’t an explanation, but a way to reinforce a boundary to protect your work day.

As I said, there are tons of different things you can say and all depend on the situation.

If you have a particular situation and want some language, leave me a comment and I’ll help with it. Or, if you’ve been in situations and don’t think you handled them well and want to know how you might have done it more easily or better, share the story in comments and I’ll help with that, too!

One of the best things you can learn to do is say no when you want to say it. It keeps your life and commitments where you want them to be, and it’s powerful modeling for the millions of other people who haven’t yet learned how to do it.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” –Marianne Williamson

At what point is "yes" appropriate?

Online relationship pundits often make it sound like you should make time for everyone who wants it--that's the way to build relationships. But if you look at them closely, you'll see that they don't actually do that. They can't--if they did, they'd have no lives outside the connecting they did with people who wanted their time.

In reality, there's a fine line to walk between yes and no. And one of the things you have to become incredibly good at is deciding when a "yes" is more appropriate than a "no."

Here's my take on it--from a solely biz perspective.

The less time you spend marketing/biz building the more time you have to spend on billable work. And so it behooves you to walk that line very consciously and carefully so that you don't miss opportunities, or billable hours, or your personal life.

Just because someone wants to talk with you, or says she'd like to "hear" more about your services, or "meet" you for coffee doesn't obligate you to doing it.

Instead, you need to be very selective and incredibly self-ish (meaning that you matter most to yourself, and doing what's best for you and your biz is at the forefront of your mind every time you get such a request) about deciding who gets your time.

And the way you do that? I think there are four (at least!) elements to consider:

1. The answer to this question: is this someone already important to me or on her way to being important to me?
2. The answer to this question: is this person ideal in some way for me?
   -- Would networking with her likely genuinely help me move my business forward?
   -- From what I know/can find out about her, does she fit my ideal client profile?
3. The answer to this question: do I like this person enough to spend any time with her?
4. The answer to this question: is there something more important/better that I could do with my time?

Depending on the answers, your path forward should be crystal clear.

There are a bazillion people on this planet. You know you can't work with everyone (nor would you want to). Nor can you talk/spend time with everyone (nor would you want to). And that's a-ok. Honest. Figuring out where to spend your time and energy is, therefore, one of the most important things you can do for your business.

Imagine how freeing it would be if you could get so good at deciding in less than five minutes whether to give another person any of your time without second guessing yourself, or later, looking back and wondering if your decision was "right" or "smart."

What would it take for you to get there?

Distinctions to help you choose ideal clients

I’m teaching a class where I share an advanced consultation process to VAs so that they can spend more time doing billable work, and wasting less time talking with people they should never be talking with. What follows is something I shared with the class the other day as we talked about only working with fabulously ideal clients, and the need some of the VAs feel to help others--even sometimes to their own detriment.

I used to have what Dominic calls the “lost puppy syndrome.” I’d find people who were down on their luck, or hard to deal with, or that other people didn’t like, and I’d want to take them in and help them.

I’m pretty much reformed now. And I’m reformed because in my experience, those people are where they are because it’s where they’re supposed to be--where they need to be--where they've chosen to be, and because of that, nothing I do to try to help actually helps.

And I had to take a look at WHY I was doing it to begin with. And that was because I wanted to believe that if I were ever down on my luck, someone would extend the same kindness to me. But I had to get that it wasn’t my job to save the needy; that I had to resign as Mother of the Universe.

A distinction I needed to get was between people with needs and needy people. Go for the people with needs--you can take care of needs. Stay far away from the needy--you can't help them, and they are extreme energy drains.

There’s a place in life to help the poor and downtrodden. It’s not in your VA business.

Stay away from the want to save, and the people who want to be saved. What I would suggest you look for are the people who already have it together and want to bring you in as a partner to help take their businesses further, rather than the people whose businesses are a mess and are looking for a savior.

And not coincidentally, people who already have it pretty much together also probably have more funds to pay you, more work to give you, and less drama in their lives to get in the way.

You see, people don’t live in drama or chaos unless there’s something about it that feeds them. And if there’s something that feeds them, and they’re staying in it, then you aren’t going to fix it. They won’t let you.

At the end of the day, when it comes to difficult people (which includes needy people), it’s truly better to just pass them by, no matter what glimpses of good or potential you see that make you think there could be more more to consider about them.

Another distinction that’s important is the distinction between challenging work, and challenging clients. You want to the former---to keep you sharp, and keep things interesting. You absolutely do NOT need the latter. Look for challenging work, and easy clients.

It is really only in looking for ideal clients, and not hesitating to walk away from those who aren't a very good fit for you and your business that you'll find lasting contentment. Be smarter than the average bear and refuse to settle for less!

At least half the responsibility lies elsewhere

Last week, Tina/Cindy/Andrea (not sure which of them actually wrote it) posted this about hearing client complaints about the virtual assistants they've worked with, and suggested that we make them feel better/happier. Then Danielle wrote this about unhappy clients and suggested that we Virtual Assistants make sure we’re not letting clients have unrealistic expectations. Good ideas, both; managing expectations and creating relationships where clients can be happy are core elements for any successful business.

As I thought about both, though, I realized something was making me vibrate a little bit, and that was leaving me agitated. I quickly got clear that what was bothering me was that both views give us (in the contexts they were written) total responsibility for good outcomes in our work and relationships, when at least half of the responsibility falls squarely on the shoulders of the clients.

Do some Virtual Assistants have it flat out wrong? Sure. And if they continue to get it wrong, they’ll be out of business and no one will ever have to think about them.

But from my experience, more clients have it wrong than VAs do.

So let’s look at that.

Clients:

• Don’t always (it’s pretty rare, actually) genuinely know what they want or need 
• Don’t always (pretty rare, again) have delegation skills, or virtual work skills 
• Often aren’t at all relationally mature 
• Often look at VAs in the same way that the corp world looks at admins—as lower-level employees, with as much importance as, say, the copy machine 
• Often believe that they shouldn’t have to look deeply or search for fit—after all, all they want is a little admin work done, and anybody should be able to do that, right?
  Often move way too fast into relationships with Virtual Assistants
• Often choose badly because they make the mistake of moving way too fast

I always, always say that if you’re going to do the business version of a quickie Vegas wedding, you shouldn’t be surprised to wake up to find that you’re unhappy and want a divorce.

But that’s what a large number of clients do. And once out of the relationships? They bad mouth the VAs, or their own experiences--and place the blame for it all on the VAs that "failed" them.

Despite their own lack of knowledge, their ineffectiveness, and their poor decision making, they still want to blame the VAs and cast aspersions on the industry?

What hubris.

If you’re going to say no to anything, say no to that. And really, don’t spend a moment feeling awful wondering what you might have done to cause this problem. That’s a victim’s mentality (“If only I hadn’t been walking across campus in the dark…” "I should never have worn that little black dress!") and won’t serve anyone well here.

Bit O’Moxie: Embrace who you are, know that you are powerful beyond measure, have a strong biz foundation and incredibly high standards that you refuse to compromise for anyone, make sure that YOU don’t move too fast, and do your best work.

Then let the clients hang themselves. And when one of them points his finger at you or at us as the source of all his woes and unhappiness, kindly remind him that when he points that at you, he has three fingers pointing right back at him. Refuse to accept the whole responsibility for whatever has, or has not, happened in your relationship.

Three new FAB things, starting this month

Not your usual Bit O', but certainly full of moxie! I wanted to let you know about two--ok three!--new things I'm up to this month that you can get involved with.

The next of the 30 Days Projects, 30 Days of Organizing takes over after March's 31 Days of Clearning. Especially if you're into (or need) a bit of spring cleaning, this month is really for you!

All the details and how to play with us (for free!) are right here.

And along with 30 Days of Organizing, I'm also doing the Organizing Salon--a month full of free tele-interviews with awesome organizing and productivity experts!

So far on tap are Kathryn Rose about organizing/planning your social media journey, Amy Thill about time management, Laurie Mandato on organizing closets and your wardrobe, Jessica Reagan Salzman about organizing finances, and Angie Mattson about organizing space. Three or four more people are going to be added to the lineup to talk about even more organizing topics.

Best of all, register for one and you'll get the audios for the entire series--absolutely 100% free (cause that's just how we roll in the Salon <g>). Get all the Organizing Salon details right here.

The Self Care Salon was born in January when I had the idea to read Cheryl Richardson's fabulous book, Take Time for Your Life with a group of like-minded folks. We did it, we had a great time, we learned, we grew in huge ways, and when we were finished, we were all very sad. :(

Fortunately, my friend Kat (Kathryn Rose who will be teaching us about organizing our SM journeys in The Organizing Salon this month) had been following along and let me know about a book her biz partner had just co-authored that she thought might be perfect as a next-read for the Salon.

I got a copy, fell in love, and so we're doing another Self Care Salon to read the fabulous Queen of Your Own Life, starting next week.

I'd love to have you join us if, like all those who will be in the Salon, you're focused on living a great life and want to be surrounded by other people equally focused.

The book is about reclaiming yourself and your life at midlife, but I have to say, I think its lessons are absolutely spot on for women of any ages. So if you look at the book and think, I'm not old enough, trust me--you're old enough and we'd love to get to know you.

Details and registration info (the Salon is also free!) are on my site, here!

Hope to get to meet some of you in one of these three ways this month. And here's to the Queens we know ourselves to really be!