D and I had a little tiff the other day. We were in the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher together. He had the basket of utensils, and I was doing glasses and plates and such.
So, when he flat out blamed me for the knife’s being in the dishwasher utensil basket, the obnoxiousness and arrogance of his assumption weren’t lost on me.
“Why do you think I did it?”
“Because I didn’t.”
Ok, then.
You might imagine that, at this point, things could have so easily gone from bad to worse. And they might have, except for the fact that I absolutely didn’t want them to.
I said, “Listen, I’m sorry your knife ended up in the dishwasher. I know how important it is to you that the Henckels get hand washed, and I know seeing that bothers you. Let’s both promise each other to be super mindful—even MORE mindful than we already think we’re being about this, ok?”
So what does my having taken the high road do for you?
Well, it models something really important. Several things, come to think about it. It models:
Depending on many factors (like tiredness, hormones, illness, stress—on the one side—and rest, love, reserves, centeredness—on the other) which modeling a person does could be like mine or D’s. True, that. In our case, he’d had a really nasty day at work. I’d had a really lovely one. He’d not slept well the night before. I had. He was stressed. I was centered.
Had I not been? My response could have been pretty nasty. Had D felt better, he probably wouldn’t have come at me the way he did. He would have instead said something like, “Dang! Another knife ended up in the dishwasher. Let’s both be extra careful about them, ok? It’s really important to me.”
No blaming, no needing to be right, just the fact, and a reiteration of a request that showed he knew that the knife ending up in the dishwasher could have just as easily been his doing as mine.
Bit O’Moxie: The more self-care you engage in, the better prepared you are for lifes tiffs, or whoop-dee-doos. Also, having reserves of things like time, money, love, community, space, and opportunity makes you infinitely more present to yourself, which in turn makes you more responsive (rather than reactive) to others. So even if something goes awry, you’re more likely to handle it with ease, rather than freak out about it. You’re more able to see many options, rather than none—or just one.
What self-caring things do you need to add into your life? What reserves are depleted and need building up? Obviously, self-care and building reserves doesn’t happen overnight. So while you consider those questions, let me tell you the thing I try my darndest to hold on to—no matter what (and do better and better with over time). It’s a promise I made to myself to always try to actively see the person/people I’m dealing with as innocent. I don’t mean (necessarily) innocent of wrong doing. I mean pure—like a baby.
When I have access to that, no matter the circumstance, it helps to quiet and calm me, and brings me back to center before I need to respond to whatever’s being thrown my way. It allows me to immediately shift to a place where I can give someone else the benefit of the doubt. Where I don’t jump to conclusions. Where I’m willing to ask, rather than assume. And where I can bring love and compassion into the mix to look for options and solutions.
Try it (if you can) the next time you’re in a situation like I was with D—even if your reserves are depleted. And let me know if it helps.
Our happy, chatty conversation was interrupted by his strident accusation: “YOU put one of my KNIVES in the DISHWASHER!”
Important backstory: Many years ago, D got serious about cooking. And baking. And he wanted some more-professional tools to help him make the yumminess he was seriously enjoying. One of the things he coveted was a set of high-end Henckels' knives. So one day, I surprised him with the set he so very much wanted. And although Henckels says these things can go in the dishwasher, D was adamant that they shouldn’t. And being that they’re his knives, and he’s made that specific request, I’ve worked very hard to remember it every single time I’ve done the dishes since. And to my knowledge, I’ve never put one in the dishwasher—but he has.
So, when he flat out blamed me for the knife’s being in the dishwasher utensil basket, the obnoxiousness and arrogance of his assumption weren’t lost on me.
“Why do you think I did it?”
“Because I didn’t.”
Ok, then.
You might imagine that, at this point, things could have so easily gone from bad to worse. And they might have, except for the fact that I absolutely didn’t want them to.
I said, “Listen, I’m sorry your knife ended up in the dishwasher. I know how important it is to you that the Henckels get hand washed, and I know seeing that bothers you. Let’s both promise each other to be super mindful—even MORE mindful than we already think we’re being about this, ok?”
So what does my having taken the high road do for you?
Well, it models something really important. Several things, come to think about it. It models:
1. Relational maturityAnd what did D model? The opposite of everything I did.
2. A commitment to the relationship and to D that was far bigger than my need to be right
3. Responsiveness, not reactiveness (on my part)
4. Compassion/seeing my partner as innocent
Depending on many factors (like tiredness, hormones, illness, stress—on the one side—and rest, love, reserves, centeredness—on the other) which modeling a person does could be like mine or D’s. True, that. In our case, he’d had a really nasty day at work. I’d had a really lovely one. He’d not slept well the night before. I had. He was stressed. I was centered.
Had I not been? My response could have been pretty nasty. Had D felt better, he probably wouldn’t have come at me the way he did. He would have instead said something like, “Dang! Another knife ended up in the dishwasher. Let’s both be extra careful about them, ok? It’s really important to me.”
No blaming, no needing to be right, just the fact, and a reiteration of a request that showed he knew that the knife ending up in the dishwasher could have just as easily been his doing as mine.
Bit O’Moxie: The more self-care you engage in, the better prepared you are for lifes tiffs, or whoop-dee-doos. Also, having reserves of things like time, money, love, community, space, and opportunity makes you infinitely more present to yourself, which in turn makes you more responsive (rather than reactive) to others. So even if something goes awry, you’re more likely to handle it with ease, rather than freak out about it. You’re more able to see many options, rather than none—or just one.
What self-caring things do you need to add into your life? What reserves are depleted and need building up? Obviously, self-care and building reserves doesn’t happen overnight. So while you consider those questions, let me tell you the thing I try my darndest to hold on to—no matter what (and do better and better with over time). It’s a promise I made to myself to always try to actively see the person/people I’m dealing with as innocent. I don’t mean (necessarily) innocent of wrong doing. I mean pure—like a baby.
When I have access to that, no matter the circumstance, it helps to quiet and calm me, and brings me back to center before I need to respond to whatever’s being thrown my way. It allows me to immediately shift to a place where I can give someone else the benefit of the doubt. Where I don’t jump to conclusions. Where I’m willing to ask, rather than assume. And where I can bring love and compassion into the mix to look for options and solutions.
Try it (if you can) the next time you’re in a situation like I was with D—even if your reserves are depleted. And let me know if it helps.
S-
I have never commented on your moxie posts until now, even though I have enjoyed and learned from each of them. But this post was TOPS!
I need most of all to be more responsive and less reactive in ALL my relationships, especially with my life-partner. You "hit the nail on the head" with me today. Thank you, thank you!
Posted by: Karen Brockman | October 06, 2009 at 01:23 PM
Most welcome, Karen! Glad you found it helpful!
Posted by: Stacy | October 06, 2009 at 01:55 PM
AB~ this is a great post! It most resonated with me today, of all days. After spending the last evening needing to be emotionally present for my scared daughter, I have no energy to be anything to anyone now. However, my little invalid is milking her injury and still needs me to be "present" for her. I know I am drawing on the energy reserves I get from you and my VA friends. So thank you for reminding me and others that reserves come in more forms than time and money and the draw can come from anywhere.
Posted by: Rachael | October 07, 2009 at 02:13 PM
S,
I had to opportunity to fall back on this advice last week when I was having a talk with a relative. It almost got out of control until I remembered what you'd posted and decided to be the bigger person and diffuse a potential fault-slanging match! Thank you:)
Posted by: Deborah A. Mitchell | October 12, 2009 at 04:33 PM