Seeing the buffness in one another

I’d originally written this as a comment to a Twitter pal’s blog post, but I started to think about the story, and wanted to share it with you.

When I was training to become a coach, I had to take a teleclass I didn't want to take. It was called the "Buff It Up Program" and it was all about being buff and living a buff life. It was the brain child of the now late Thomas Leonard, and my problems with it (the reasons I didn't want to be there) were two-fold. First, the class didn't at all reflect my view of what buff was at that time in my life. It was all about what Thomas believed, and it seemed there was no room for interpretation. And in my life, then, getting massages every week, drinking only filtered/purified water, sleeping only on Egyptian cotton sheets—none of that was realistically “buff” for me. Second, I’d worked with Thomas shortly before taking the class, and I could actually hear him in my head in a way I wasn’t digging. So, taking this class, which was a requirement for graduation, wasn’t happy making for me.

But I dialed in, chip on my shoulder, and there were my fellow students and a teleclass leader (a more senior coach, too) I didn't know. And as I dialed in, the folks on the call and this leader were just doing that gabby thing people do before a teleclass starts, and so I settled in, waiting for the class to really begin.

That's when I heard the leader. She was slurring her words like a drunk. And my first thought was, "WTF?"

I couldn't imagine that Coach U would let a drunk lead a teleclass, and I ranted and fumed most mightily on my side of the phone line, trying to decide what to do.

And then she introduced herself—slurring all the way. “Hi… in case some of you don’t know me, and are wondering why I sound this way, I have MS, and sometimes I don’t have good voice days. This is one of ‘em."

I burst into tears. I was SO ashamed for how I’d judged her without knowing what was really going on.

And I kept crying as I listened to her say that in HER class, we were each going to figure out what was buff for us. Because, she shared, buff can’t be one size fits all. In fact, for her, buff was often something like getting from her bed to her wheel chair without falling on the floor.

I felt positively horrid. I wanted to hang up. I wanted to go hide. Instead, I stayed. And I learned. And I grew. And I developed two things that I have done ever since—immediately after I hear myself thinking, “WTF!”

They are:

1. I realize I don’t know the story. I realize that the person may have a very, very good reason for whatever I’m experiencing that seems wrong, or odd. And I remind myself to back off, unless I want to go over and find out that story so that I have enough information for an informed personal view.

2. I’ve learned to look at people who aren’t like me…like the kids with pants hanging off their asses, or the ones with green and orange hair, and exclaim in my head, “How BUFF!”

You see, what that leader taught me in the class is that we’re all buff in our own ways, all the time. And although we can’t always see someone else’s buffness, it doesn’t make it inherently any less buff. So, the pants hanging, or the green hair…they’re both buff in their hangingness and their greenness.

If I were braver, perhaps my response to those people would be something like, “Hey, dude…those pants falling off your ass are REALLY buff!” Or, “Wow… that’s some really buff green hair!” I’m not that brave. Or maybe I’m just not that girl, even with regard to things I like.

Maybe, one day, I’ll get to the place where I consciously think something’s buff before I do the “WTF” thing. But for now, I’m happy that I do it shortly thereafter.

:)

And the reason that I’m writing about this here on VMoxie? It’s because I see so much derision in our profession toward those who do things differently, or who are the VA equivalent of the kids with pants hanging off their asses, or those with green hair. And I wanted to say that I think there’s value in seeing the buffness of others, even if we don’t all share the same view of what’s buff.

In this way, for instance, I can still embrace every single thing I’ve developed, lived, and taught for the past 12+ years, and you can do your thing, and that person over there can do her thing, and so on…and we can still agree that we all contribute to a wonderfully diverse and rich landscape that didn’t even exist just a short time ago, and will probably look very little like it does today in another decade.

Maybe if we start noticing the buffness of everyone around us, we’ll find out that we actually don’t disagree on as much as we may have thought. And in learning that, we might actually reach consensus on some of the issues we go round and round about.

That’s my hope, anyway, and the attitude I’m carrying with me into FoVA this week. As I meet Virtual Assistants from different backgrounds, experiences, and understandings about our profession, I look forward to sharing, learning, and growing from everyone I meet. And I look forward to openly and unabashedly admiring the vast buffness around me, and hopefully, to bringing back great stories and lessons, and maybe even, a genuinely buff meeting of the minds.

Bit O’Moxie: If you’re coming to FoVA, I invite you to join me in this. If you aren’t able to be there, I look forward to sharing my experience. It’s destined to be a buff one, no matter what!

Comments

[Cheryl Harless]

Stacy,

I get the point - and I understand what you are saying in context. But "BUFF" the word does not have any meaning for me; at least not in the way you are using it.

Buff is a color, to be in the buff is being nude, and being a Civil War Buff means you are knowledgeable about the Civil War. Beyond that, I'm lost! Can you explain further?

[Anne M. Ferguson]

How buff to be going to FoVA! I hope it's wonderful, and wish I could be there!

[Kris Jamieson]

Stacy, all of your writings are inspirational, but this one was especially so for me. I want to thank you for the gifts that you continuously give us.

[Alexandra Popovic]

Thanks Stacy for such an AWESOME and inspiring post! :)

[Kimberly]

Excellent post, Stacy. I do truly hope that we can all begin to embrace each other's "buffness" as a way to unify, not only as VAs but as part of the human race.

[Stacy]

Cheryl...

I'm not sure I understand what you don't understand, because you said you understand it in context...

But if you're asking about the definition..."buff" also means good looking, and well built (usually referring to hot, hunky guys will muscles), but again, in context, that definition gets extended to all areas of life. Self-care is buff.

Does that help?

And thank you, Anne (wish you had been at FoVA, too--Dawn and I are still here in Canada!), Kris, Alexandra, and Kimberly, for you're loving and gracious comments!

[Yvonne Thompson]

Stacy, you spoke to me in this one. That would have been me going "WTF". Thanks for this post. It is a reminder for me to remember to look for that unique buffness in others before going "WTF".

[Stacy Brice]

Yvonne...It's not easy to do, but sooooo worthwhile!