Believe what you see

I recently went to see the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Loved it. L-O-V-E-D it. Had a huge AHA! Moment at the beginning of the film and that's what formed the basis for this post.

By way of explaining the AHA!, and in case you’ve not seen the movie, it starts out with a little girl on a playground, and a little boy picking on her. He pushes her, calls her names… and ultimately, she runs crying to her mother who wipes away her tears, gets up close to the little girl’s face, and gently says, “You know why that little boy picks on you, don’t you?” The little girl sniffles and shakes her head. Her mom continues, “It’s because he secretly LIKES you!”

And as you see confusion and disbelief running all over the little girl’s face, you hear the narrator say, “From childhood girls are told that boys who treat them like crap secretly LIKE them. No wonder women are fundamentally screwed up.”

And there is was…my AHA!

We (or at least I, and my girlfriends, and even some of my favorite guys) have been screwed up by having been taught that being treated badly by a member of the opposite sex (or whatever sex we’re attracted to) is secret code for “Hey, I really like you!”

Not for nothin', but I think every young person should be shown this movie when he or she gets interested in romantic pursuits—because it clearly shows that what we’re told to somehow make us feel better about having been mistreated, is a lie. Think how much heartache a young person might actually not have to experience by being taught THAT lesson!

And think how many of us, if we'd seen this movie at a young age, may never have then grown up to not only be trampled on by our love interests, but also by bosses or clients!

In my work with Virtual Assistants, part of what we do is look at their clients—past, current, and future. It’s helpful to look at who they’ve worked with before and now to get clear on who you want--or don't want--to work with in the future.

And often, after listening to a VA’s heartfelt annoyance with some client or another, I’ll ask, “Why did you choose to work with this person?”

Usually, I’ll hear several things, not the least of which is some version of, “I noticed that he was/wasn’t very ________ , but I thought things would be different with me.”

”…but I thought things would be different with me.”

There are many variations on this theme, but inherently, it’s the business version of where we’ve learned to go in our heads as a result of learning the, “…it’s because he secretly likes you” lesson.

We don’t want to believe that people are rude, obnoxious, or inappropriate. We’ve learned to look beyond the bad behavior, behind the insensitivity, behind the mean-spiritedness, behind the flat-out inappropriateness that, if we’re honest, throws us for a loop (and should!), to somehow get to the, “Oh but…” place.

“Oh, but I bet he’s a different person when he’s not stressed.” “Oh, but I bet she really didn’t mean that the way I heard it.” “Oh but, he probably would be different once I put some systems in place to cure his overwhelm.” You’ve probably heard hundreds of these lines from your VA and small business owner pals, if you’ve not used them yourself.

And in reality, people…whether little boys picking on little girls, or PCs being obnoxious in an interview/consultation, are who they are…from the get go. And we need to get to be ok with that, and even more ok making quick decisions that we don’t need them in our lives or work.

Bit O’Moxie: Absolutely believe a person when s/he shows her/himself to you for the first time, and be rapidly guided accordingly. No excuses. No “Oh, buts.” One plus one always equals two, you know? It’s folly to think that someone capable of behaving that way to you shortly after meeting will behave any differently if given a place in your practice. So just walk away, and don’t look back. I'm betting--no, I promise--you won’t miss the person, ever.

Comments

[Janine Harris]

You've done it again Stacy! A short, easy-to-grasp analogy of "how we live our lives" is "how we operate in our VA practices"! It took me a long time to realize that when a person shows who he/she is - BELIEVE IT! Please keep sharing your wisdom with us!

[Lisa Humphries]

Really insightful post, Stacy. For me it brings to mind the fine line between being savvy about that issue, and believing that most people are essentially good. It can be hard to know where to draw that line, but I think it's helpful to keep in mind that people can be thoughtless and self-centred and have different values to us, and we aren't going to be able to change them, so it's best leave them behind.