On being strong-armed by someone you love

Ruth wrote to say:

"I don't quite know what to do. My husband doesn't understand my wanting to wait for ideal clients, and thinks I have to take whoever wants to work with me in order to be successful. I believe in what you write in Virtual Moxie, but I can't convince him, and things are becoming strained between us. It's not worth ruining my marriage over, but at the same time, if I do it his way, I know I'll be as unhappy as I was before I quit my job in a Fortune 500 company. Could you please share some moxie advice, or ideas about how I can handle things here?"

Bit O’Moxie: This is a tough one, Ruth. It's tough because instead of being given the opportunity to build your own idea of a business, your husband is pressing you to build his idea of a business. And that's patently unfair of him. So your issue is with him, and how to get him off your back, and not really about how to build your business.

What would happen if you said, strongly, something like: "John, I can appreciate that, to you, my approach looks screwy. But it's my business, not yours. And I need to do things my way, not your way. I'd appreciate your backing off and giving me space. I'd also appreciate unconditional support from you. Can you do that?"

If he says he can, and does, you're home free. If he says he can't, you'll be in a fairly untenable position, and will need to think long and hard about the next choice you make.

In case it helps, learn a lesson from where you've been. You indicated that you were miserable as an employee. Now that you're driving your own business, you can choose to work in relationships that fuel you, rather than drain you. It takes time, and commitment to the standards you've set, for you to realize the practice of your dreams. It means turning away clients who don't fit. That can be scary, especially when you're building a new business, or have a spouse who is a naysayer and pushing you to do things differently from the way you want to do them. Some people end up compromising: doing piecework, reducing their fees, working extra hours at night, and putting themselves right back in the "work" situation they left—except this time, they've done it themselves through their choices.

Do everything you can to prevent victimizing yourself in your own business.

Comments

[Pam Ryan]

I have just been accepted into the AssistU training program and am enjoying reading the VA blogs. I can really relate to this posting. However, the roles were reversed. When my husband started his own business six years ago, I thought that he should jump at every client. He told me that I needed to trust him. He said that he was being picky because he didn't want to get in over his head with jobs that he couldn't handle. It was difficult, but I supported his philosophy 100%. Today he has a very strong client base and is earning 2.5% more than when he was in his last office job. His success is one of the reasons I was able to quit my office job. I will definitely follow his lead when I am ready to start up my VA practice.