Dishonoring yourself by honoring others

In her book, One Day My Soul Just Opened Up. the fabulous Iyanla Vanzant, wrote:

When are we taught that it’s ok to say what you feel when you feel it? Certainly not when we are children. As children, we are taught what not to say and what not to do if or when it will make others uncomfortable. The others are the big people. As children we are taught to take care of the big people, the adults, those in authority. Don’t talk when big people are talking. Don't express your ideas if they are different from big people’s ideas. Always accept what the big people offer you even if you don’t like it. In an insidious though not malicious way we are taught that big people matter and we don’t. Even when we become big people ourselves, there are those who are bigger, older, more important than we are. These are the people we must honor. In honoring the big people, we are taught to dishonor ourselves.

The first way we learn to dishonor ourselves is by not telling the truth. The truth about what we feel, what we want, and what we think. You shut your mouth and stuff your feelings because you know you’re treading on very thin ice. If the ice breaks, you could get yelled at, slapped, or punished.

As an adult, I continued to view my parents and elder relatives as big people. Eventually, this group grew to include employers and other persons in authority. I would do all in my power to honor the feelings and desires of these people, even when it meant dishonoring myself.

When you lie to yourself about what you need, you will eventually lie to others about the same things.

Lying to yourself and other people about what you need, want, like, or do not like is akin to having a bacterial fungus. It spreads quickly into all areas of your life and pollutes your very being. When you are polluted by the fungus of dishonor, it’s is difficult to speak up for yourself. The fungus seals your lips when people speak to you in inappropriate ways. The fungus clouds your brain when people behave toward you in an inappropriate manner. This lip-sealing, brain-clouding fungus always makes you doubt yourself. It makes you question what you are feeling when you are feeling it. It prohibits your finding the most appropriate way to respond when your sensibilities are offended by big people.

The fungus of not honoring what you feel when you feel it, or saying what you need to say when you need to say it, will pour forth as anger and pollute your relationships. None of the relationships you have are immune to the fungus that grows within you when you do not honor yourself every step of the way, along the way, in your relationships with other people.

I couldn’t figure out which felt worse – not pleasing the big people, or dishonoring myself by not speaking the truth about what I needed, felt or wanted.

Bit O’Moxie: Although it's possible that there are VAs who struggle with how to deal with the "big people" in all areas of life, in a business context, it's most prevalent in how they deal with clients.

Especially for those VAs who either have been in corporate jobs for the duration and come to entrepreneurship late in life, or haven't had the benefit of good modeling of a way of being that doesn't reflect the "the customer is always right," theory, it can be incredibly difficult to move beyond seeing a client as "bigger."

What I know for sure is that your business success depends on your making a shift and moving beyond it to seeing clients as people – no more; no less, than yourself.

Ok, ok… let me stop and say that it's possible to be financially successful letting clients lead you around by the nose. What's not possible, unless you're an extreme masochist, is being happy with that kind of success. The reason is clear—no one was meant to live under the oppressive thumb of another. And, if you believe you need to let your clients call all the shots, tell you how to run your business, etc., make no mistake…you are living under that oppressive thumb.

When you do, as Iyanla said, you dishonor yourself. So, not only are the clients behaving toward you in ways that are inappropriate, the reality is that it's happening because you let it happen. Why on earth would you treat yourself that way?

You deserve to work with clients who are happy to work within the business standards you've set. They should be people who see you as a professional, providing a professional's value. They wouldn't tell a doctor how to doctor; they shouldn't tell you how to provide Virtual Assistance.

If you've backed yourself into this corner, first, you need to get straight with yourself. If I can help with some coaching, don't hesitate to be in touch. Once straight with yourself, you need to have very straight conversations with your clients—both about what you've done to yourself and your practice, and what the new standards are going to be. You will be calling them to step up and play bigger, and given that they were attracted to you when you were behaving much like a doormat, they may not be willing, or able, to do that. In that case, you have to be willing to let them go—without fear. Fear will hold you back in a different way, and prevent you from attracting new, better suited clients.

When you start seeing your clients as equals, and not as "big people," everything about your practice will change, and so will your success.

Don't believe me? Come coach and let me prove it to you. :::challenging grin:::

Comments

[Jen]

Clients? I call them my "partners in crime" because it feels like you're breaking some law by being successful and not having to wear suits and be stuffy!

That was a great article!

[Michelle Ulrich]

Stacy,

Were you talking about my negative, unhealthy relationship with my mother or my previous employer? What a toss up!

You hit it right on when you talked of the 'big people' vs. the 'little people.' I always kept my mouth shut when my parents were around and then it turned into my employers. I took it all and internalized so much. Now, I am free from both and love my life.

I have an incredible thriving business with Sharon Broughton. Once we set our values and our goals, our business began attracting the types of clients we've always wanted.

Thanks for the great topics and the clarity.

~Michelle Ulrich
www.greenofficesolutions.com