Virtual Moxie - The Cure For The Common Virtual Assistance Practice

Why It's Easier to Not Get In Than to Get Out of a Relationship

For as long as I can remember, I’ve taught that one of the best reasons to move more slowly when interviewing a prospective client is that it’s easier to never get into the relationship, than it is to get out of it once it’s begun.

For the record, this is true for any kind of relationship you can choose to get into. So it’s true for friendship, and employment, and romantic relationships, just as much as it’s true for choosing the clients with whom you’ll work (and if you're a client reading this, it's true for choosing your VA, too!).

But what I’ve never taught is why it’s true; why it’s easier to stay out then to get out later. That ends today.

The bottom-line reason can be framed in two words: emotional hooks.

When you first meet (virtually or in person) someone, she has no emotional hooks in you. And so, if a during the interview/consulttion she displays some quality you dislike, or behaves in a way that you dislike, it’s very easy to walk away.

But once in the relationship, emotional connections (“hooks”) begin to be made. You learn about her childhood dog—which reminds you of Scruffy and how much you loved him, and there’s a hook. You find out her mother and she have the best relationship—which makes you wistful because you and your mother have anything but that, and there’s a hook. You learn that she loves to IM and really dislikes email—which is tremendous because you do, too, and you never thought you’d find a client who was like you that way, and there’s a hook.

Hooks are everywhere inside a relationship, and with every one that embeds itself in you, leaving the relationship gets harder.

So, if there are a variety of places where you’ve been hooked, and suddenly something happens and the client behaves in a way you find horrible, you may want to quit over it, but what you’re more likely to do, in my experience, is give the client the benefit of the doubt about it. And truly, that’s a wonderfully relationally mature thing to do, the first time. But hooks make it hard to do anything else. And chances are that, over time, you’ll make gobs of excuses for bad behavior, for unethical actions, for all sorts of things that you find untenable. You’ll want to leave, but that want will butt up against, and lose against, a justification or rationalization you create in order to convince yourself that you're experiencing really "isn't that bad."

Hear me now—"not that bad," IS that bad. You deserve to never utter those words. You deserve a practice filled with clients who actually fit with you, rather than clients you make excuses for to yourself.

Emotional hooks make the difference between walking away easily and quickly, and feeling bogged down, locked in, and unable to really consider it.

People around you will likely not get it. They'll probably patiently endure your whining for awhile, but then start to avoid you rather than have to hear about it. From where they sit, you should just quit and be done with it. Easy for them to say; they have no emotional hooks.

Once you’re hooked, you’ll stay till you cannot stay any more. No matter how irrational it seems, no matter what your friends say or see, regardless of what you know to be true deep inside, you will absolutely stay as long as you can.

If it’s a relationship you truly ought to be out of, reasons to leave will continue to present themselves. And one day, something will tip the scale for you, and you will be done. It will be like someone flipped a switch, or you took a magical hook-removal tool and plucked them all out of you. You will immediately feel able to walk away. You can count on that happening.

But the time between the first difficult moment and the day you’re able to remove the hooks and leave will be painful for you. You can count on that happening, too.

To avoid the pain, I ardently suggest that you go slowly when you interview/consult. I advocate at least three conversations, and a combined time of at least two hours together—more if you have more to say or discuss, and spanning at least a week to give you both time to reflect and process what you're experiencing.

Let’s face it, you wouldn’t marry someone after 20 minutes of conversation (or, at least that’s my hope!), so don’t do the business equivalent of that by hopping into a relationship with a client without a bit of a virtual courtship.

Be sure to talk through all sorts of things. Ask, for instance, how a client communicates being upset.

That one question will likely tell you a lot, and it’s a great example because everyone immediately understands the importance of it. If the client’s answer is along the lines of “I’m a hothead. I’ll blow up, yell at you, expect you to take it, and then I’ll apologize 20 minutes later and probably send you a Starbucks gift card because I’ve been horrid,” and you know you cannot bear being yelled at, you have a good reason to end things there.

You don’t need to move forward, get emotionally hooked by her puppy, her herb garden, and her love of zebras, and then feel the pain of her upset when it happens—like most people who don’t talk about such things would need to. You would KNOW, upfront, that her way of being in those kinds of situations wouldn’t work for you, and you could get out before getting in.

Another example? Ask how she sees time. Is 10am a literal point in time to be met, or is 10am really 10am-ish? If you know that you’re an on-the-dot person and she tells you she’s an ish-time person, walk away right there or count on suffering through countless moments of resentment every time she’s late, or early.

Think through things that bug you and things you like and admire. Be sure you ask about those things in your interview/consultation.

Fit doesn’t happen on just the nuts-and-bolts level, so don’t choose to move forward based solely on that level of fit. Go deeper to learn what you need to know to make the best decision about moving forward, and hold as truth that it’s easier to not get in than to get out later once there have been emotional hooks.

Problems With No-Shows, SOLVED!

Martin wrote to pick my brain:

"I have weekly calls scheduled with my clients. Two of them think nothing of blowing it off, with no notice, and nothing afterwards to apologize or explain. BOY that bugs me. How in the world do I talk with them about it?"

You know what, Martin? I feel ya on this. Almost nothing annoys me more than people who no-show. To my mind, it’s discourteous and disrespectful.

We live in a world where you can’t move an inch without bumping into someone with a mobile phone. So, while emergencies do happen, and it’s possible that a person could get into a situation where she has to no show, it’s incomprehensible to me that a call, a text, or an email couldn’t be sent in advance, or as soon as possible after the missed appointment to explain and apologize. In my view, the only acceptable deviations from that would be sustained unconsciousness (as in coma), having been kidnapped and held in an undisclosed location, or death. Those are super-unlikely to happen to people, especially on a regular basis, so everything else is really nothing more than someone behaving in a truly crappy way.

My opinion.

Now, not everyone sees things that way. Some people don’t see graciousness or courtesy as something that matters in business. Some people think that no-showing simply isn’t a big deal. Some don’t even see it as discourteous or disrespectful. They think it’s ok—poop happens, and others should get over it.

And you know what? That may be ok—for them. But if it’s not ok for you, you don’t have to live with it, and you really don’t want to live with it because, at the end of the day, it will negatively impact you and your work for them and for others.

Now, although it’s 100% true that you cannot change another person’s behavior, it’s also 100% true that there are things you can do to mitigate the impact on you and your day, Try these:

Have a strong standard around people showing up as expected, and share it.

When you expect people to show up as expected and you share that expectation, most people will show up as expected.

This is something you can add to the policies and procedures or client agreement you send when you begin a relationship.

Have a strong standard around how and when you expect people to let you know when they cannot keep appointments and share that, too.

As with the first standard, when you have a standard about this that you share, most people will keep it in mind, and communicate accordingly.

Have a strong standard around what happens on your end of the appointment when someone no shows, and share it.

For instance, I never, ever, ever wait more than 10 minutes for anyone (in person or virtually)—unless I’ve been alerted to the fact that the person I’m meeting with will be late, and have an ETA.

If someone doesn’t show up as planned, exactly 11 minutes later, I email something like this:

I’m sorry you weren’t able to keep our appointment Firstname, and genuinely hope you’re ok! Let me know if you’d like to reschedule.

As soon as that email leaves me, I move on to someone or something else. I don’t have time or the inclination to be sitting and waiting for someone who doesn’t have the inclination (or possibly the ability!) to communicate about being late.

And if the person shows up after the 10 minute mark and wonders where I am, calling or emailing to try to connect at that point, I don’t answer the phone or the email until some time later when it’s convenient for me. After all, by the time the call/email comes in, I’ve moved on, and the late person isn’t my priority any longer. My email will be seen by her soon enough and she’ll get enough of an explanation for why I wasn’t there when she showed up.

Now, that’s great for the one-off appointments or meetings I schedule, but if I, like you, had a standing that someone was blowing off, I’d do it differently.

First, my standards would be clearly communicated in my client agreement/P&P, and next, I’d go over them verbally with her in my consultation process. Finally, the client would have to then sign that she’d read it.

So, the first time the call was missed, I’d send that same sort of email to give my client the benefit of the doubt, to hopefully prompt an explanation and apology, and to create a dialog about rescheduling. If in the back-and-forth about it, it became clear that I was truly blown off, I’d let my client know I need to talk, and I would share, very directly, that, as she knows from our working agreement, it’s not ok with me for her to no-show our calls (unless lying in a ditch or dead), and I’d ask her if she thinks she can do it differently moving forward.

If she indicates that she can (and is appropriately apologetic), I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and move forward. If she indicated not believing it matters or not getting why it matters to me, or that she won’t/can’t do it differently, I would let her know that we need to wrap up our working relationship.

Don’t work with people who treat you in a way that you don’t feel good about. Ever (well, except if you need to KTLO).

If you move forward, you’ll notice whether or not the client can keep her word about doing it differently. If she does, that’s great. If she doesn’t, another conversation needs to happen—this one to tell her you need to wrap up the relationship.

People treat us the way we let them. Long-term disrespect and discourtesy can have untold consequences to self-esteem, and we surrender ourselves when we allow that kind of battery. This is why I urge you to not let it go.

Now, you, who have had this treatment by a couple of clients for some period of time, you need to create your standards… and immediately after, request phone conversations with the clients who no-show, to discuss it and either create a plan for courteous continued work, or for leaving the relationship.

Loving relationships as I do, I hope yours can be turned around for the better, Martin. But if not, please value yourself and your business more than to let the clients continue to treat you in a way that doesn’t feel good to you. Your sacrifice of self to keep them in your practice will never be worth it. And they absolutely aren’t worthy of your sacrifice.

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now? When to Join and Leave a List

Toshanda wrote to pick my brain:

"I’m trying to find a way to deal with all the email I get from people who have lists I joined.

Most of them I don’t care about and never did. I only signed up to get their “special offer,” and never really wanted to be on their lists. But now I’m there and feeling like I can’t unsubscribe. SHOULD I unsubscribe, or does doing that make me a bad person?"

Only you know your truth about this, Toshanda. And, I believe that if you get quiet, you’ll find you have your answer.

But in case it actually helps to know what I think, it’s this:

If you know, from the start, that you don’t want to hear anything more from the person whose free offer you’re eyeballing, it’s probably best for you to just walk away all together.

Here's why: if you’re drawn to someone such that you actually care about the freebie, chances are that whatever else you’ll get from that person is going to resonate with you as well. But if you’re not drawn to someone and know that, why would you care about anything she has to say, much less whatever is in the freebie?

If you don’t know whether you’re drawn to someone, though, there’s absolutely nothing in the world wrong with signing up, checking out whatever the person sends out (the freebie), seeing if the message and info and style resonates with you. Then, with that knowledge and experience, if you decide it doesn’t, unsubscribe.

If the freebie doesn't give you enough to make that decision, stick around and see what else the person sends you, and then make the decision to stay or unsub. That’s the way this particular marketing method is supposed to work. And that’s really what people employing this marketing tactic expect to have happen.

Toshanda, that’s the game of it. People play it because it works. And to play it, the idea is to create enticing free offers, get you to sign up, then create compelling content on a regular basis that keeps you engaged in the hope that you’ll stick around, and, at some point, buy something.

So, if they were being honest, if you simply aren’t digging what they’re sending, and if you’re unlikely to read it, much less buy something, they really would be just as happy for you to unsubscribe. As a business owner with a list, it’s nice to look at the size of the list, but it’s so much better to know that the people who are subscribers are tuned in to what’s being shared and taking action based on what’s been shared.

Lastly, Toshanda, please know that martyring yourself (sacrificing your time, energy, self) for almost anyone isn’t wise or healthy. And doing it for someone who’s marketing to you, who probably doesn’t know you, and who won’t miss you if you go… well, I’ll let you decide what to call that.

Having the Moxie to Let Go When You Can't Hold On

Some months ago, I asked you to give me feedback about continuing (or not) to do Moxie five days each week. You indicated that you loved getting a dose of Moxie at the start of every day, and I decided to continue creating and delivering it to you.

But I have to tell you, I’m tired exhausted. Virtual Moxie is more than nine years old. And I’ve been doing posts five days/week for nearly two. For those of you who blog, I bet you have a sense of how I feel.

If I were coaching someone else around this, I’d ask her the question I asked myself last Thursday as I sat down to create tips for May and literally couldn’t make my fingers move on my keyboard:

Both in terms of coming up with original content and the time and energy it takes to write it, set it up for publication, maintain, amplify through marketing channels, etc., how long can you continue to do with ease and joy?

My answer that morning? Not one day more.

And the answer came to me without a second of hesitation. I didn’t have to think about it, or weigh it in my head or heart. It was just there…so very present, and so very true.

Immediately after that answer, though, came the reminder of another time when I’d not pulled back from something quickly enough, and ended up burning out and walking away completely.

If we went back in time to '97 when I started AssistU, long before blogging was even a glimmer in anyone’s eye, and before anyone was doing zines or really thinking about list building, I did a daily (5x/week) “email blast” called The Daily Assistant that some of you may remember (and God love you if you do!).It was managed via a majordomo mailing list, and was very high tech and high touch at the time.

After several years of creating original, high-quality content five days a week, I was fried. So fried, in fact, that I walked away from a list of 9,000+ subscribers.

At the time, I said publicly that I needed a little break, and would be back soon. But in truth, I never made it back to DA or my list. I just couldn’t make myself think about it, much less do it, and I wish I had words that were appropriately descriptive of how it felt in my body any time I tried to even think about how to revamp DA and get back to writing, but I really don't, even to this day.

Suffice it to say that the burn out was so bad that I couldn’t even make myself write anything that I shared outside the AssistU community until I started VMoxie in 2004. It took me years to make it back, not the little bit of time I thought it would take to do a revamp.

Two years ago, when VMoxie was seven years old, I decided to add Moxie Tips to the blogging mix. I thought that it would be easy for me; tips weren’t as time consuming as bigger blog posts and they would be fun to do. So I dove in, wholeheartedly. And as with anything, for a time, it was easy and fun, but one day I noticed it wasn’t either, anymore.

I started to feel the pinch at the point that I asked you to take the survey. I hoped that, through your feedback, you would let me off the hook. I hoped that you would say that something less (meaning fewer posts/week) would delight you. And while some of you did say exactly that, the vast majority clearly loved the daily thing, so I continued, warmed by your enthusiasm about getting a daily dose o’Moxie, and the opportunity to be of service to you in that way.

But now, here I am, feeling even more pinched (probably exacerbated by the fact that, in addition to daily blogging, there’s also all the repurposing for social media added to the mix—which, while fabulous, is also time and energy consuming), and knowing that I have to honor what’s true for me and do something about it—whether or not it’s your preference.

I have to make a change; I have to pull back. If I don’t, I can see a day coming when, like with The Daily Assistant, I’ll have nothing left to give at all. And that? That’s simply untenable for me. I am unwilling to go there again (I guess I really did learn from that experience!).And I'm unwilling to not model the sort of moxie for you that says you get to do things you way in your business, regardless of who likes it or doesn't. ♥

So the new plan, which starts immediately, is that while I figure out what’s next here at VMoxie, I’ll write the longer Tuesday post, which honors my original intention for the blog, and is something I can easefully and joyfully continue to create. And as soon as I have things figured out about whether there's something more, I’ll let you know.

As always, our archives include a virtual treasure trove of moxie, just waiting for you, on demand, any time you need a little somethinsomethin. And all the Moxie Tips are in their own space, too—in case you want just those.

If you have any thoughts, or commiserations, or ideas to share with me as I go off to think and plan, I'd love to see you in comments.

Thank you for being a Moxie reader, a Moxie lover, and for wanting more—not less—Moxie in your life. I appreciate you more than you know!

Moxie Tip 359: Shift from "Have To" to "Get To"

If you notice yourself talking about your work in terms of what you "have" to do, shift that, and start talking about what you "get" to do. The shift is from duty to delight, from resentment to gratitude. And it will make a huge difference in your practice and your life.

Moxie Tip 358: Keep Your Power

When you say yes to something only to please another, or because you're concerned about what "might happen" between you and that person if you say no, you surrender your personal power. You can't do that too often before your self-esteem has taken such a hit that you have no personal power left. Care about your self enough to say what's true for you. People who matter will understand.

 

Moxie Tip 357: It's OK to Say No.

Each morning, figure out your highest priorities for the day. Make sure that you have time for them. For anything else that comes along, have the courage and commitment to what you know you need to do to say no to them rather than trying to bend time in order to say yes.

Moxie Tip 356: Don't Deprive the Learning

Why not offer a reduction or to not raise your fee to clients who seem to be struggling?

First, you may not be privy to what's really going on, and offering may seem intrusive.

Second, to offer may seem like the kind thing to do, but consider that, maybe, what the client needs is to learn to manage her own business, on her own...struggles and all. Don't take away the learning and growth experiences she needs.