Virtual Moxie - The Cure For The Common Virtual Assistance Practice

On circling the wagons

AssistU COO, Dawn Goldberg, once a fabulous VA in her own right and now owner of Write Well U, is doing something awe-inspiring and incredibly difficult. Having finished writing the first draft of a novel that hits so close to home for her you could say it nearly blows up the home, she's now in the editing phase. It's awe-inspiring and difficult because of the nature of the novel (you'll have to read it to understand why) and because, although the editing phase will be incredibly difficult, she's never wavered in her knowing that it's something she has to do. She's gutsy, and blows me away.

When she shared her concern about how that would turn out (the editing), I said, "Why not have an editing party? Invite the girls over to spend the day--we'll sit downstairs and do, well, whatever, and you can be upstairs editing. That way, if it gets hard, we can be right there for you." She mulled that over for a bit and the next thing I knew, she was inviting me to an editing party.

On the day of, Lee, Antonette, and I read the first three chapters while Dawn sat upstairs and edited. And while she was fine while we were there, she so appreciated having us there--just in case.

Bit O’Moxie: You can't have too much support in your life or business. No one gets any prizes for going it all alone--in fact, no one would be around to even know you did, or how you might have suffered for it. Ask for the help you believe you need, and then ask for more of it. Circle the wagons, as it were, before you face something really difficult, so that when you get to the difficult part, you'll have what you need.

There really is no such thing as asking for too much. So ask. Up your standard about being willing to be vulnerable with people in order to get your needs met. I think you might be surprised what happens when you do (hint: people who care for you will jump at the chance to give you what you need when they know what that is!)

Apologies--bridges to deeper connections

Do you know how to apologize? In truth, I think very few people do.

“I apologize” is not an apology. If you use that phrase, please get rid of it. It’s used as a verb, saying what you’re doing, but it is not an expression of regret. And part of what people want in an apology is an expression of regret. Along those same lines, “Allow me to apologize,” and “Please accept my apology” are not apologies. They’re precursors to apologies. You can either blow these phrases away, too, or use them as lead ins to your actual apologies (although they’re simply not necessary).

IMO, to make a genuine apology, there are five necessary elements:

1. A genuine desire to apologize (the source of the apology)
2. Acknowledgment of the person’s feelings and the wrong that’s been done. It’s important to note that the wrong that’s been done is what the other person feels is the wrong that’s been done. It doesn’t at all matter if you agree. If someone else is upset with something you’ve done or are even remotely responsible for, you should apologize for that (even if you don’t agree the person should be upset by it)
3. The very simple phrase, “I’m sorry.” Not, “I’m sorry for X,” or “I’m sorry if Y.” but “I’m sorry.” (There is one exception to this, and I’ll share it at the end of today’s post)
4. A question about what you can do to make it right, or a statement about what you will do to make it right (an offer of amends)
5. Action on your part to make the amends, and to make sure that what happened won’t happen again (trust rebuilding)

Here’s an example of a genuine apology for when you know what happened:

“Jane, I understand that you felt left out by my not inviting you to my networking lunch. I imagine that if I’d been in your shoes, I’d have felt the same way. I’m sorry. What can I do to make it right?”

And another, for when you know what action you’ll take to make it right:

“Jane, I understand that you felt left out by my not inviting you to my networking lunch. I imagine that if I’d been in your shoes, I’d have felt the same way. I’m sorry. I’ve taken care of adding you to the list of invitees, and hope you’ll consider coming to all my future events—you’d be such an asset to the group!”

Later in the conversation, if you like, you can say WHY you did what you did. But while making the apology, don’t go there. The person you’re apologizing to frankly doesn’t want to hear it, and right then, it will certainly sound like a justification (which will often lead to defensiveness by the other person--not a good thing to have in this sort of situation!).

Now I said there’s one exception to the “I’m sorry for” rule, and it’s when someone has suffered something not of your own doing, and you’re expressing regret for her pain/upset. Then, “I’m sorry for your loss,” or “I’m sorry for your pain” become utterly appropriate things to say.

Bit O’Moxie: It seems like such a little thing, but a genuine apology can make the difference between growing a relationship and squashing it like a bug. As VAs, you’ll have more than your share of opportunity to apologize to others—maybe even on behalf of clients. Learning how to do it well is a valuable skills for anyone to have, and especially for professional Virtual Assistants to have (not that I think VAs need to apologize more than other people—I just think that VAs need to have heightened people skills, and this is certainly one of those that's worth having).

People are often adverse to apologizing, thinking that doing so always leaves them on the hook for taking the blame for what’s happened. In reality, genuine apologies are most often bridges to healing, to deepened connection, and to furthered trust between the parties. And that makes them infinitely worth mastering and doing—as often as needed.

Chicken or egg?

A month or so ago, we discovered that there was a sewer line that had sunken under our apartment. The building owners needed to have plumbers dig up about 20 feet of the ground under our floor. They delivered the news to me and said that our living room and dining room would need to be emptied in order for this to happen. They went on to say they'd be happy to put us up somewhere while the work happened, and they'd rent a Pod for us to put our furniture and belongings in.

I said, "A Pod where WE can put our stuff?"

"Yes...we'll put it outside and you can move your belongings in to it."

"I don't actually plan on lifting a finger. I'd appreciate your hiring movers to pack, then move, our stuff to the Pod."

Silence.

"I don't think we can do that."

"Sure you can. You need this problem handled, it's not mine to handle, and so I know that you'll understand why I'm unwilling to take time away from my work and life to pack things and do the physical labor of moving them, right?"

Long story short, the movers came this morning to pack, then move, our stuff to the Pod. They'll be back a week from today to move our stuff back in, then unpack us.

There was a time when my standards were so low that I wouldn't have pushed back--sure that what I wanted wasn't important enough to carry any weight in a conversation of this sort. Back in the day, I would have packed my stuff and moved it myself--out, then back in. But learning about standards through business has allowed me to also make huge adjustments to my standards for how my life runs. And with regard to this bit of life drama, not only did they provide movers, but instead of being in a hotel, I'm in a lovely corporate apartment with great amenities, and am having them take care of a bunch of other things I want handled in my apartment. And why? Because I have high standards and wasn't afraid to say what I wanted and needed in order for them to get me on board for the repairs.

Bit O’Moxie: I learned about standards in my work, and it's significantly changed the rest of my life.

Regardless of whether you learn about raising your standards in your life or your work, everything else will improve as a result. It can't help but happen. So, if you find it easier to create higher standards in your VA practice, do it there. Consider it your playground. And know that as you see things working better there, your life will work better. If it's easier to do it in your personal life, do it there and things in your business will improve. Look around at what you're tolerating and change it. Then go from there to see magic begin to happen.

Just always remember that you are due every possible good thing, and let that guide you in the creation of your standards in all areas of your life and work.